How Not to Listen — Getting Someone’s Attention Back
Posted by Liz Strauss · 4 Comments
In any conversation, I might choose a simple word that I have no reason to know know that you have “history” with.
It might be a word such as curiosity, or money, or beautiful. These are three quite discrete words, yet each can trigger a specific and negative connotation. Unless I know you, chances are that when I mention the word in question, I have no idea that you have feelings, negative feelings, attached to it. I don’t suspect that the impact of one word has changed the tone of my presentation from neutral to negative.
It’s an accident and because of something someone else is.
Looking for the Wrong Words
What people often do when they hear words that pull up negative words is think negative thoughts about the ideas of the person who said them. Communication breaks down. When a reader gets distracted in that way, we need to know that’s what is happening. We might start looking for the wrong words we have chosen, rather than get caught in what was meant. If we keep an eye on what was misunderstood, we won’t risk putting our focus on ourselves. at a loss is to everyone else in the conversation.
Here are some ideas to bring the focus back to listening to our readers, when it seems that someone is listening to your words, but not hearing you.
- The fear of negative comments is over-blown. Allowing people to play and to enjoy the work can be a highly conceptual collaboration.
- Giving up the need for control can reap great benefits in reader involvoment.
- Look at their faces when the eye contact is too intense.
- Reflect the way your conversation partner sits. Lean into the conversation.
- Ask questions about points that you find of interest. Find many of them.
In other words, let the person talking know he or she is important. Do everything you can to silently signal that persdon’s importance to all who might be around. Listen actively. In other words, pay attention with the expectation that you will be asked to solve a problem with the very next question.
Don’t give up on yourself or your ability to find a common ground.
Liz Strauss
This is so true, Liz! Back when I was still in school, I was not afraid to speak in front of an audience. But somehow, somewhere, during one speaking engagement in college, something happened and from then on I shy away from being in front of a large audience.
“The fear of negative comments is over-blown.”
Hi Sasha!
I find that I get over my speaking nervousness, by saying it out loud to the folks I’m about to speak. Sometimes I actually say, “You know, you’re such an impressive audience, I’m a bit nervous, but I know what I have to say is important enough for you to be here. So I won’t let you down. ”
Sometimes I tell a story about how I used to tell my son I had faith in him before a hard day at school and then ask an audience member I’ve just barely met, “Do you have faith in me?”
I think it’s inevitable that we’re going to ’stumble over’ each other with language from time to time. What can be powerful is how you handle the experience. Often a patiently and openly resolved misunderstanding can lead to greater loyalty and trust than a number of successes.
As Roosevent once said, “The only thing we have to fear…is fear itself.”
Hi Dawud!
We really do learn from listening to our misunderstandings, as you say. And they sure can bring us closer together. They are such an opportunity for us to learn more about how we and the people we converse with think and relate to the words that we use.