May21

How Not to Listen — Don’t Mentally Record the Conversation

View Comments

PERFECT VIRTUAL MANAGER

If it’s true that “We can’t talk without talking about ourselves,” then it makes even more sense that we should listen in to what we’re saying every once in a while. Our first response to how we listen to ourselves as we talk isn’t always the best choice. In fact, one popular choice often takes us in an entirely wrong direction.

Don’t Mentally Record the Conversation

Many intelligent people listen to themselves by becoming a virtual recorder. We “move outside ourselves” during a conversation to watch and record every word as we interact with other folks. You may have done this — I have. Let’s explore it for a moment to see why it’s misleading and counterproductive.

  • When I stand outside myself to listen as I talk, part of me is not participating in the conversation. I’m of split mind. I’m trying to do two things at once — evaluating and talking.
  • I might think that I’m hearing what I’m saying as my audience would hear it, but I’m not. I’m hearing what I’m saying the way I would hear it. I can’t take own interpretation out of the equation. So though I might be trying to see and hear through my audience, I’m just fooling myself into thinking I can do that.
  • On some level, my audience is aware that I’m not fully present. It’s a subtle difference. Still the sense that I’m not fully there translates into that I have something that I’m not telling. That can lead to developing a feeling of distrust in my listerner.

Each of those reasons explains how mentally recording the conversation may capture the words, but sabotage the effectiveness of what is being said. So, the words being recorded are doubly false. I’m not hearing what authentically has transpired because I’m not fully there and I’ve changed the experience by the act of becoming a recorder.

Listening requires being present and part of what’s going on.

Liz Strauss

 

  • http://www.thekissbusiness.co.uk Karin

    Hi Liz

    Think I never do that (hope not, and not aware of that I ever do), because to me it sounds as a selfish act – not a ‘conversation’

    Karin H. (Keep It simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

  • http://www.thekissbusiness.co.uk Karin

    Hi Liz

    Think I never do that (hope not, and not aware of that I ever do), because to me it sounds as a selfish act – not a ‘conversation’

    Karin H. (Keep It simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

  • http://www.lettingmebe.blogspot.com Liz Strauss

    Hi Karin,
    Everyone I know who has done it has done it as a defense — wanting more information about how people saw them. I suppose all defense mechanisms are selfish in the same way. :)

  • http://www.lettingmebe.blogspot.com Liz Strauss

    Hi Karin,
    Everyone I know who has done it has done it as a defense — wanting more information about how people saw them. I suppose all defense mechanisms are selfish in the same way. :)

  • http://www.theideadude.com Vernon Lun

    I have a particularly bad habit that I have to consciously avoid. I usually find me ‘checking out’ unintentionally because something the other person has said spark a dozen ideas in my head. Rather than engaging that person with each of these, I’m busy trying to process them internally. It sometimes makes me look really stupid when I suddenly inject a totally unrelated comment from the left field. Learning to focus on the person in front of you is really tough because the rate of thinking and overtake the rate of speaking…

    Gotta make sure that Elvis hasn’t left the building!

  • http://www.theideadude.com Vernon Lun

    I have a particularly bad habit that I have to consciously avoid. I usually find me ‘checking out’ unintentionally because something the other person has said spark a dozen ideas in my head. Rather than engaging that person with each of these, I’m busy trying to process them internally. It sometimes makes me look really stupid when I suddenly inject a totally unrelated comment from the left field. Learning to focus on the person in front of you is really tough because the rate of thinking and overtake the rate of speaking…

    Gotta make sure that Elvis hasn’t left the building!

  • http://www.lettingmebe.blogspot.com Liz Strauss

    Hi Vernon,
    I know what you mean. I’ve learned to actually just say where I’ve been. “Oh sorry, your point was so interesting that I was pulled away thinking about it.” Then I carry on again. Sometimes I share the idea and sometimes I don’t, depending on where the conversation has since gotten to. :)

    Sheepishly,
    Liz

  • http://www.lettingmebe.blogspot.com Liz Strauss

    Hi Vernon,
    I know what you mean. I’ve learned to actually just say where I’ve been. “Oh sorry, your point was so interesting that I was pulled away thinking about it.” Then I carry on again. Sometimes I share the idea and sometimes I don’t, depending on where the conversation has since gotten to. :)

    Sheepishly,
    Liz

  • http://www.thekissbusiness.co.uk Karin

    That I do do too Vern

    Found a way around it though (and most know I’m always thinking, pondering, thinking further etc). I carry a little notebook with me (everywhere) and always ‘at the ready’

    Oh, wait a second, have to scribble that down, that’s interesting.

    Gives a boost to the other one too (mostly)

    Karin H.

  • http://www.thekissbusiness.co.uk Karin

    That I do do too Vern

    Found a way around it though (and most know I’m always thinking, pondering, thinking further etc). I carry a little notebook with me (everywhere) and always ‘at the ready’

    Oh, wait a second, have to scribble that down, that’s interesting.

    Gives a boost to the other one too (mostly)

    Karin H.

  • http://www.lettingmebe.blogspot.com Liz Strauss

    Hi Karin,
    What fabulous way to turn what you might see as weakness into a strength. Who couldn’t help but feel important that you would want to note something from a conversation you were having with them? Bravo!

  • http://www.lettingmebe.blogspot.com Liz Strauss

    Hi Karin,
    What fabulous way to turn what you might see as weakness into a strength. Who couldn’t help but feel important that you would want to note something from a conversation you were having with them? Bravo!

blog comments powered by Disqus